According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
