i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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