I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
