if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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