So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
