I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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