The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
