I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
