just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
