I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
