I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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