her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
