Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
