There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize