Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
