capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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