I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
