just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Randomize
