So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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