My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
