how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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