i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
