it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
