I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
