96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
