I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
