you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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