then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
