If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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