Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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