what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize