I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
