Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
