I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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