Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
