So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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