Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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