you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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