My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
