Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
