why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
