Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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