Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
