I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize