i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize