this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
