How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i think i scared a bird with my dick
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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