god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
the liver wants what the liver wants
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I deserve this hangover.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
