we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
