I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
