Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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