Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
