Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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