I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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