there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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