my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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