I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
