just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
