All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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